Johnny Guns and the Gun Show

Brace yourself, this guy is really serious...
This doesn't have that much to do with sports other than the title of the show being, "Vegas Sports," but I felt that a majority of the audience would get a kick out of this Vegas local.



Take notes.
Word to the wise: Live hard, play hard, stay hard...

WWE Draft Analysis

Yes, this is is a new low for Sports Toilet, but I can't escape my past. I figured I had to be the one to do this even though I know the other columnists on this site enjoyed a figure four leg lock or two in their day.
I haven't really been into the wrestling scene in a while, not since the days of DX, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Last time I tuned in, Hogan and Flair were wrestling, that was in 2007, 20 years after I used to watch tapes of them, hey MacMahon, maybe it's time for some new blood? What do you think?
I used to be a huge fan, like put on the warrior face paint while rocking a Hogan tee, holding a foam 2x4 a la Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Ho!!!
I checked out WWE.com, just to check up, I do this once in a while. The WWE, I guess in attempt to be even more like a real sport, will be holding a draft. I mean the other major contact sports already have the steroids, high priced talent and ESPN turns everything into a drama with stroylines, much like the WWE, so the only thing left to do was have a draft.
I know they have done this before, but according to WWE.com, they are holding a draft now that the WWE is split into different leagues? (RAW, Smackdown, ECW) Odd, I know.
This is cool for the fans I guess, I mean back in the day I would've been down for this, now, I don't really know who's around? I know a few guys, but not enough to compile an entire Mock Draft, so I'm gonna do my Mock Draft from 1988, because this is the anniversary of the first ever single elimination tournament to crown the champ when the belt was relinquished by Hulk Hogan due to a disputed call against Andre the Giant. The Tournament took place at The Trump Casino in Jersey,and ended with Randy Savage walking away with the belt. Fucking sweet!
So I guess if there was a draft in 88, this is probably how it would go...
WWF Mock Draft 88'

1. Hulk Hogan

2. "Macho Man" Randy Savage

3. Andre "the Giant"

4. "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase
5. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat
6. Rick Rude
7. Ultimate Warrior
8. Greg "The Hammer" Valentine
9. The One Man Gang
10. "The Natural" Butch Reed
11. Rowdy Roddy Piper
12. The Honky Tonk Man
13. Bret "Hitman" Hart
14. Bam Bam Bigelow
15. "Bad News" Brown
I tried...

The Howland Effect

Since the end of the Steve Lavin era ::Sigh::, the UCLA Bruins have been riding the Ben Howland train to the top of the rankings, year after year and show no signs of coming down. This year, the Bruins had their best shot at a chip since 1995. They fucked up, again. Not because they were a bad team, they had 3 projected NBA First round picks this year in Luc Richard Mbah A Moute, Kevin Love and Russell Westbrook. That's at least as much talent on paper as the 2005 North Carolina team led by Sean May "Never play in the NBA" and Ray Felton. It takes more than talent to win it all these days and after 3 straight losing efforts in the Final Four, it is Howland's job to figure that shit out.
He's often considered a hardass and too tough on his players. Just ask Josh "I can't shoot a ball into an ocean off the edge of a Battle" Shipp, fucking Mush. Let's pray he's NBDL bound, then we will have a decent shot in 2008. Hardass or not, he's a great coach, he's the best recruiter in the country now and he shoots the double hand T with the best to ever call a time out. He has to be given extra, I have season tickets and I swear the Bruin games have extended an extra hour since the Lavin departure. Following the 2008 Final Four collapse and pretty much every player on the team committing for the draft, it looked like the Bruins had a better chance in 2009 than Kwame Brown palming a basketball. But not so fast, Darren Collison, one of the nations best defenders, passer and 3 point threat is back for his senior season. This would move the prized 5 star recruit, Jrue Holiday to the 2 and together would make up the best back court in the nation. It's the rest of the team that is up in the air. Is Josh Shipp coming back? What about Luc Richard? Is Mike Roll healthy? Was there any point of me asking that last question? Yea? Guess not... One question was answered this week: Is the 5 star recruit, 6'10 center, J'Mison Morgan, originally committed to LSU, UCLA bound? Yes! Now the Bruins have a dominant center weighing in at a whopping 275 lbs.. This was huge considering they also have 2 more four star California bred guards coming in, Maclcom Lee and Jerime Anderson. This gives UCLA the number one recruiting class in the nation with 5 of the top 50 recruits according to rivals.com. But wait, there's more...the Bruins have also added the 6'8" PF out of Oakland, Drew "Too Tall" Gordon. There is also word that Alex Stepheson (UNC) is transferring and Westwood is his top destination. This would make a the Pac -10 almost a lock and they could easily be a top 5 ranking this season and I wouldn't be surprised to see them at #1 overall at some point this season.
Howland should be proud of all he has done so far, but the issue comes back, he needs to find out what it takes to win it all. The Bruins are as young and deep as a USC Trojan sorority girl, but focus and drive is what will put the 2009 team over the hump. It's not in the bag just yet, Arizona and USC will be tough competition having lured in monster recruits Brandon Jennings and Demar Derozen, respectively. I see a three team race, the other 7 are on the outside looking in, sorry Ken. This should be a fun year for college basketball and I see UCLA 8 clapping their way to yet another Final Four, winning it, that's another story. The best part is, this is one more step toward Pac-10 supremacy and I'm sure when ESPN opens it's LA studios and offices, the light will no longer only shine on the ACC. Sorry Dick

Smokin’ Joakim Noah

Ex-Florida Gators great and current NBA rookie for the Chicago Bulls, Joakim Noah, was charged with having an open container of alcohol and for having a joint in his pocket. All I got to say to the Bulls is, you really didn’t see this coming? First of all, just look at what this guy looked like on draft night. Not too professional to say the least, wait a minute, look at his eyes, i think he might be stoned.... Secondly, his father, Yannick Noah, a tennis great from the 70’s was known to have been a toker and as we all know the nut usually doesn’t fall far from the tree.

But what I think is really interesting here, is the fact that after being praised for staying an extra year in college after winning his first National Championship, now we really see what his motives were. Did he turn down big money to stay in school? yes. But did he do that to further his education? I'd say no on that one. I think it had more to do with one more year of toga parties and sorority girls. You really have to wonder. As a recent graduate of USC, I was a personal witness to Matt Leinart coming back one more year to “graduate,” in which time he took home virtually every blonde girl with a pulse from 901 Club (the campus bar).

So you heard it here first. Be suspicious when someone likes college a little too much. I think those one and done kids shouldn’t be so looked down upon. You don’t think OJ Mayo, for all his problems, wants to play ball and be a superstar? Why don’t you sit back, make like Smokin Joakim, and marinate on that for a minute.

Joakim, livin the dream...and a plan for the future

First off, I want to apologize to my two or three fans out there for my long absence. I also see Tolliani posted the same story before I did, but that's just what I get for my lack of new material. I feel like DMX, I came out spitting fire and before long fizzled back to nothingness. "I want to talk about the man, I wouldn't say he's a hero, because what's a hero." I want to talk about a man who was biggest part of the machine that took apart my UCLA Bruins in back to back seasons, in the Final Four, Joakim Noah. The guy was one of the best rebounders I had ever seen in college basketball though I always felt and still think Corey Brewer will be the best player of all the 07' Gators, and will eventually be a dominant fantasy superstar. Not a real superstar because the T-Wolves will never have a chance. While there was always word of "character issues" with Noah, I thought he would somehow pull off a decent pro career. After a run in with Gainesvilles finest, it looks like Noah is in a bit of trouble, boo hoo. The Bull's Power Forward and former lottery pick, was arrested last weekend for drug posession and an open alcohol container. The kid was simply trying to relive the glory days, with his people, what's the harm? I know he's a pro athlete and expected to be a role model, but come on, look at the guy? He's a hero to some, not the kids or conservative, but to the jokers, the smokers and the midnight tokers. I figured he would turn into a cult athlete, a hero for the real people. This guy is the average college student that makes it. He's not a pro athlete, this guy is like you and me but he's doing it on the big stage. This guy reminds me of myself and other friends that would blow trees then go to soccer practice. Somehow he actually got away with it and made it, so now he has all the cash he wants to continue living the dream and I see no signs of him stopping. I respect this, it's like Matt Leinart continuing to live the dream. Matt, who I also despise due to years of Bruin dominance, is more of the Orange County Bro type, with the beer bongs and backwards hats, Noah on the other hand, loves the pot and the occasional 40 oz.. Joakim Noah, one of the most talented college players in years, has yet to make a big impact on the NBA. He has attempted to fight his entire team, his coach, and the law....but the law won. So Jo, if I were you I would at least lay low and chill until your rookie contract is up. The ideal life is attainable, check this: Play your heart out until the contract is up, get mad loot in your free agent off-season and then start the party again. You will definitely get shipped to NY, with all the other giant contract earners that never amount to anything. This is great, you will be home with your posse in Manhattan in no time. You can chill in the cut real hard, listen to Redman, get real heady as you east coast say, and mack it hard in your Escalade. The ideal life is in your hands Joakim, plus your dad has bank just in case it all fails. You mom's smokin, that's good too, I don't know how you came out so ugly, but you are still a hero to many, including myself. We love you here at the sports toilet and we support you efforts in continuing to live the dream...

Orlando Pre-Draft Camp Sleepers

This is the place to come and shine..The place where we find out who just moved up that extra spot into the lottery to make an extra million. Every move and every cut is studied and discussed. GM's and scouts are anxiously watching and reporting back to their respective camps who they think will make the biggest impact. Starting today the infamous Orlando Pre-Draft Camp begins in Orlando, Fl. Here is the full list of participants according to the 4 letter network. The players that are actually participating and playing are those players who are outside of the lottery and looking in. Some players in the mix only have a glimmer of hope looking in from the outside of the 2nd round bubble. All they want is to hear their names called come June. These atheletes need to learn from what fellow LA Laker Jordan Farmar did during this camp and leave it all out on the line. Jordan singly handedly impressed many scouts taking him from an early second rounder into first round money.( Not to mention he wears purple and gold these days.) Here are Shay Shay's quick looks at a few sleepers who will emerge from the pre-draft camp.

1. Tyrone Brazelton- Call him small or overmatched. Call him small town school boy. But sportstoilet fans let me tell you that this kid can ball you up over and over again. He reminds me a bit of Devin Harris character with the 3 point shooting of Steve Nash. Keep an eye out of this kid. I could see him going in the middle of the second round to Indiana at pick #41.

2.Aleks Maric- The kid from Down Under. He could probably school you in hoops then take you to the bar and drink you under the table. He never got the looks of big school because he played in Cornhusker country that sold out their Spring Football game at $95 bucks a ticket. I am sure that many scouts are starting to notice this 6'11" inside force who cleans up boards and puts back the easy buckets. Utah at #44 might be a good fit for this Aussie.

3. J.R. Giddens- My last pick is a true scorer. That is all J.R. knows how to do. At The University of New Mexico, (which I must say is a lovely campus as I visited Albequerque last month) J.R. enjoyed the Lobo Love and the experience of being a senior and knowing how to get the job done. Look for the Lakers to steal Giddens in the second round at #58 this year. Full report of what actually occured in Orlando soon...

At the Stadium--Chavez Ravine

The Jar made the drive through Silver Lake and up the Elysian Parkway to Chavez Ravine (a.k.a Dodger Stadium or the Latrine) last night to catch the Doyers play the St. Louis Cardinals. This had the makings of a great ballgame. Two teams above 500 battling it out during Memorial Day Weekend for a better position to make the playoffs as the wild card, or by winning their respective division. Too bad the Jar's experience was cut short. Thanks Swartz. Although The Jar doesn't think he deserved the boot. To understand, I first have to tell you about one of the main traditions of fans at Dodger games (other than leaving in the 7th to beat traffic): bring an inflatible beach ball to the stadium and hit it around amongst other fans. It's a guarantee that at any Dodgers game you go to you will see at least 10 - 15 beach balls come to you or in your vicinity. It is also a guarantee that wherever there is a beach ball there will be an usher trying to chase it down to deflate and stop the fun. Fans then heckle usher. It's a given at Chavez Ravine. So 2nd inning of yesterday's game, one of the ushers who looked like the pimply-faced kid with a cracked voice in The Simpsons had just taken the beach ball and as he was walking up the aisle Swartz threw popcorn at him (The Jar wishes he had pictures or video footage of the event). Next thing I know, security takes him away and the next time I saw him, he was standing outside of the stadium. What a degenerate? Still, the Jar got to take in the Dodgers wasting a two on and one out in the first as well as 4 runs scored by St. Louis in the 3rd--which turned out to be the only runs scored in the game. Final Score: St. Lous 4 Dodgers 0. And the Dodgers and twice has many hits, they just couldn't pull through with men on...something that has plagued them for the last...oh, I dunno...2 decades or so.

One last funny thought about the game: right before security informed The Jar that General Swartzkopf was ejected from the game, a beach ball was making it's rounds through the crowdm when a Cardinals fan who was sitting right behind me stood up to catch the ball, and proceeded to deflate it. Kids were begging him not too and his wife even asked him not too, but he didn't care. (The Jar wishes Swartz was still there because he probably would have dumped the rest of his popcorn on this degenerate from St. Louis. ) And right as the ball was just about deflated, a 10 year old kid two rows in front stands up and and yells at the deflator (who was decked out in red Cards garb), "That's why St. Louis sucks!" Like Randy Newman said, "I love LA"

Here are some of the Jar's personal pics from the game:

What a beautiful ticket. Dodger legend Sandy Koufax. Thanks again Reid. And when the Jar got home from the game, The Big Lebowski was on TV right at the rant by Walter Sobchak when he says "3,000 years of beautiful history from Moses to Sandy Koufax, you're goddamn right I'm living in the past!" Kinda sums up the current sentiment felt by Dodgers fans: living in the past. There hasn't been a meaningful Dodger moment in 19 years, 226 days and counting according to dodgerblues.com.

Is this really what a Dodgers #1 fan would wear?

General Swartzkopf. This was his face before getting kicked out of the stadium. I should have known things were going to go downhill from here.

What is this? The USC Doyers? Disgraceful.

That's more like it

Bad Ass

Seeing Canter's Deli at Dodger Stadium makes the Jar smile. A couple from Texas was standing in front of us in line and had never heard of matzo ball soup.

"The Fairfax" from Canter's. Delicious. Swartz was all thumbs up when housing this delectable half corned beef/half pastrami treat. It would only get worse from here.

Albert "Winnie the" Pujols to bat. Brad "I'm only 5-5 this season" Penny pitcthing. The Jar really needs a new camera...the zoom on this one sucks...

What other stadium in the world would you find an advertisement for Las Vegas and have someone like The Jar thinking: Hey, Vegas is only a few hours away, if we leave now, we can get there by midnight

If you look at the top of the picture you can see the beach ball that the crowd below is reaching up to hit.

Unfortunately, The Jar did not get to eat a Dodger Dog on this edition of "At the Stadium" due to the early exit. There is always next time. The Jar will be sure to bring someone who doesn't eat popcorn,

UFC 84 Preview and Picks

Main Event: Lightweight Title Match

BJ Penn (13-4-1) Vs Sean Sherk (35-2-1)

Sean “the muscle shark” Sherk is just back off suspension for steroids. Before the suspension had successfully defended his championship belt numerous times, but one has to wonder how much that extra power came into play. His only losses in his career are to George St Pierre and to Matt Hughes to give you an idea how good he is. Sherk is a ground and pound machine and has great cardio. He will try to lay on Penn for the 5 rounds and try to get his belt back by decision.

For those unfamiliar with MMA, BJ Penn is like the Rasheed Wallace of UFC. All the talent in the world earned him the nickname “the Prodigy,” however after winning his first UFC title at age 19 he got full of himself, over weight and lost in a couple matches where he was in control in the beginning and gassed in the later rounds. Penn is a black belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and is the superior striker.

Prediction: I think either Penn wins by TKO or submission in the second round. Sherk looks skinnier since his steroid suspension, and one has to wonder if he will feel quite as strong without that extra juice.

Undercard:

Wanderlei Silva (31-8-1) vs Keith Jardine (13-4-1)

Silva is the “Axe-Murderer,” but he is way past it. He looked old and slow in his last bout versus Chuck Liddel and Liddel was just dominated by Jardine. I look for Jardine to use leg kicks to wear down Silva, and the fight to most likely end in a TKO one way or the other in the third round. Both of these guys like to exchange and aren’t scared to mix it up, but Jardine is usually a little more intelligent about it. I know the UFC is trying to set up Silva to return to form and then take on the winner of Rampage vs Forrest Griffin, but I like Jardine in this one.

Tito Ortiz (16-5-1) vs Lyoto Machida (12-0-0)


Lyoto Machida is one of the least known but best fighters in the world. He has a very methodical style that is unpopular among some fans but the fact is he always gets the job done.

Ortiz of course is a fan favorite and dating Jenna Jameson which is almost as impressive as anything he has ever done inside the octagon. Ortiz got totally dicked by the egomaniacal Dana White who didn’t like the fact that Ortiz was almost as big as the UFC itself, so with Ortiz in the final bout of his UFC contract, White tried to feed him to the “Dragon” which happens to be Machida’s Nickname. I think that while Machida has to be favored because of his youth and overwhelming victories in his last few fights, Ortiz may just hate Dana White enough to be able to pull this one out.

Prediction: Machida by split decision.


Final Thoughts: Thiago Silva, one of my personal favorite fighters, and one to keep an eye on for the future is also fighting on this card. He fights at 205 and is just a beast athletically. You might remember him out beasting Houston Alexander the last time he fought. He also has the look of a killer, and I think an impressive win should put him only one or two more victories from title shot consideration. I know the light heavyweight division is filled with contenders, Liddel, Wanderlei, Jardine, Griffin, Machida, Rashad Evans, etc, however I think Thiago Silva might just be the best of the bunch. Check him out.

The Boston Massacre

Yeah, I’m calling it. Boston is done. Trust me; I want to tell you that we’re going to get to witness a Lakers vs. Celtics finals. But of course, I’d be lying to you. And here at sportstoilet.com, we like to give you the shit straight, no bullshit. There is a reason why the Pistons have made it to six straight Eastern Conference Finals in a row. They play as a team. And it makes sense that a group of guys playing collectively can outplay a couple of talented players recently strung together. Detroit’s team plays so well as a unit. There offense and defense so organized. Each guy knows what they are and aren’t supposed to do. They attack and defend as a whole. Their bench this year is second only to that of the Lakers; they are absolutely great, lead by Jason Maxiell and Rodney Stuckey. The Celtics on the other hand have what on paper seems as more talent. There trio of Pierce, Garnett, and Jesus Shuttlesworth a.k.a Ray Allen must be respected and feared. They also have a great promising young point guard and solid bench players. They seem to have great team chemistry for a team just recently assembled; however you can’t compare their unity to that of the Pistons. The Detroit Pistons’ leaders have been together for a lot longer. And have battled side by side at the highest level as well as tasted overall victory before. Therefore I am convinced the Pistons have this series won.
Of course it helps that Saunders is calling every play, especially when his rival is so “sub-par”. Doc Rivers is too bad a coach to now how get his team back on track. If he couldn’t get his guys to beat the wild Atlanta Hawks in Atlanta, (or the Lebrons for that matter,) what would make anyone else think he could beat the Pistons at The Palace of Auburn Hills? The Celtics only hope was that home court advantage in the playoffs; now that’s gone. Doc has no idea what to do right now. He has never known what to do. Even with Billups not at one hundred percent Detroits got this one in the bag… I’m so certain that the Pistons have this series won; I think Coach Saunders should make Rasheed Wallace get two technicals in the closing minutes of game 3 and get his looming suspension out of the way on game 4. This way, the Pistons don’t have to worry about the bad boy missing a game in the NBA Finals. Jason Maxiell would easily step in for Wallace and that Piston train will keep on rolling. I wouldn’t be surprised if Maxiell forced KG into a bad game. That kid can flat out ball. On behalf of sportstoilet.com I’d like to welcome the Detroit Pistons to the NBA Finals.

Mr. Kershaw, Please Stand Up

The next Sandy Koufax, the Savior of Dodger Blue, the future of MLB pitching. SportsToilet fans I would like to introduce to you Clayton Edward Kershaw. Clay is the 21 year old phenom prospect who is currently pitching for the L.A. Dodgers Double A affliate. The word on the street through several credible sources and rumblings around the MLB and in local MLB papers is that he will be called up to join the depleted L.A. Dodger pitching staff as early as the upcoming week.

Finally Dodger fans, Finally. It is about time we find out if these youngsters that the organization refused to trade in previous years is as good as advertised. Clay looks like the real deal but we don't want him to become the next Darren Dreifort. With a fastball in the mid 90's to a nasty curve in the mid 70's, this kid is the best thing to come to Chavez Ravene since Sandy Koufax. Dodger fans turn on the television and listen as Vin Scully tells his story about the kid they call Clay.