A Salute to Chris Cooley

The Jar is impressed with Chris Cooley today. Look at this girl he coaxed to marry him. And look at him. I guess there is a reason he prefers wearing a helmet. He kind of looks like a roided out version of my old roomate Chris Masheykh. Although my roomate Chris is definitely a lot shadier...last I heard he was a car salesman.

Chris Cooley is legit. He even wrote a blog about his upcoming wedding this Friday. Check it out here. And he is a great TE option in fantasy football. I won my fantasy league in 2004 when I picked him up right before he broke out in the 2nd half of the season. And even though last year was a down year for The Jar in fantasy football land, one of the few bright spots was high jacking Mr. Cooley from J Tolliani. In his first 4 years in the NFL, Cooley has been the Skins most reliable receiver. And it appears as though he is only starting to reach his potential. Last year was Cooley's best stastical season with 8 touchdowns and 786 yards. The Jar only hopes that his jaw dropping wife (who was formerly a Skins cheerleader until she got kicked off the squad for dating Cooley) will not distract him in the upcoming seasons. Otherwise, he is poised to be a perennial Pro Bowler in the NFC.

The Jar became even more impressed when he learned that the Cool Man (I just made that up, but if it isn't his nickname, it should be) came from somewhere not so cool. Logan, Utah. A Mormon town of 40,000+. The Jar questions his decision to stay in Logan to play for the Utah State Aggies in college, but hey, the guy made it work. He got drafted in the third round of the 2004 draft and the rest is history. And for all this Cool Man, The Jar salutes you

Stanley Cup Finals Preview

Yes folks, the puck is still in action. For those of you who have not stopped listening to Jeff Van Gundy aka Ron Jeremy rip jokes on the set, I want to take your attention towards the ice where something truly special is happening. 20 year old phenom Sidney Crosby has guided his revamped Pittsburgh Penguins to the Stanley Cup Finals. This young canuck has taken all that inexperience junk and flushed it down the toilet. But his challenge is one of great heights and one I believe will be too tough to overcome.

It seems year after year the Detroit Red Wings are in the thick of a Stanley Cup race. If they don't win the cup their season is a failure. From their days of Steve Yzerman and Scotty Bowman, Detroit has always been Hockeytown. This will be one lesson Sid The Kid will learn when the puck drops Saturday, and his emotions will fly too high and will get the best of him. This is actually one pick in which I hope he proves me wrong because hockey has desperately needed something like this for so so so long. Some Americans still think Hockey should be on a lockout and never be played again. Playoff hockey is unbeatable and the action is fierce. Here is a good example.

A few weeks back T-Hirsh and Shay Shay went to the local sports bar to watch Game 7 of the Boston Bruins taking on the Montreal Canadians. There sitting at the bar we saw what playoff hockey was all about. In one seat we had a diehard Montreal fan. Quiet and suttle like Canadians are, but ready for his team to score and explode into a French frenzy. Then next to him we had the Boston Bruin fan. This kid was a wicked hardcore fan. Everytime his players were chasing Montreal players he would yell outloud in the bar "kill him." Yeah this guy was down. And throughout the game everytime Montreal scored on their way to victory he began to talk about how the Red Sox won that day. He had given up and let go for his season was just over. As observers, this battle is one that we enjoyed watching and will never forget. It is a story for whichever city you are from, you always believe they are the best at whatever they do and nobody can take that away from you. On a side note, I urge you to take a moment to watch some of these cup finals and enjoy what the future of the NHL will be like under Sid the Kid.

The Black Mamba Strikes Again

The San Antonio spurs thought they had game one in hand. They were up by 20 points midway through the third quarter. They had gotten delayed at the airport the night before and were pretty tired, and maybe they relaxed. But that is just want the black mamba wanted them to do. And then he struck.

Bryant scored 25 of his 27 points in the second half, and led the Lakers to a huge comeback victory. There were other good signs for the Lakers as well. The Machine hit some big shots and free throws and Jordan Farmar finally made a decent play or two. Not only that, but they managed to win a game in which Lamar Odom struggled and where Kobe only took 3 shots in the first half.

This game kind of reminded me of game 1 of the Spurs vs Suns series. Where the home team had no business winning, but somehow pulled it off, and gained a huge huge emotional edge going into game 2. If the Lakers win game two, I could see them winning the series in 5 games. Did I mention Phil Jackson is 40-0 in series in which his team wins game 1?

The NOT-MOCK DRAFT (first 10 picks)

On most websites, people attempt to guess what players each team will select on draft night. But here at the sports toilet we flush that idea down the tubes, and we explain who each team SHOULD select and why.

1. Chicago Bulls – If they do not want to trade on draft day they should select Michael Beasley and pair him up front with worker bee Joakim Noah. This finally gives the Bulls a low post option and gives more room for shooters like Kirk Hinrich and Ben Gordon who struggled last year. .

That leaves them with a lineup of Hinrich, Larry Hughes, Luol Deng, Beasley, and Noah, with Gordon, Thabo Sefolosha, Andres Nocioni, Tyrus Thomas, and Drew Gooden as the second unit. Not bad. Next move, get a coach.

With a legitimate scoring option down low, they would have they ability to trade Drew Gooden (and his $6.5 million expiring contract) along with Gordon or Hinrich or even Thomas to try to upgrade the point guard position. Jose Calderon anybody?

Note: I think Rose would be a solid pick here as well, however, it is less likely that Gooden and Hinrich could land a low post scorer the quality of a Beasley. And as good as Rose is, he isn’t winning a title without a low post scorer better than Gooden. Even Lebron couldn’t do that.

2. Miami Heat – The Miami Heat should pick Derrick Rose and be very very happy. Let’s just imagine suiting up Rose, next to Dwyane Wade. Then imagine apposing teams figuring out who their point guard is going to guard.

That leaves the Heat with a lineup of Rose, Wade, Shawn Marion, Udonis Haslem, and Mark Blount. They clearly need to upgrade the overall talent of the team, that last year maybe would have lost to the LA Sparks, but this would certainly be a good start. Let’s hope the new coach decides to turn up the tempo.

3. Minnesota Timberwolves – Some franchises just have no luck. The Wolves cannot get anything of value here. They have young promising players at every position and honestly need to get some veterans. How bout the 3rd pick and Corey Brewer/Rashad McCants for a real scorer or a point guard? If no trade can be conjured up, with a gun to my head, I pick the player with the most star potential left on the board. OJ Mayo. I know I know, he has no morals, he doesn’t fill a need, but face it, he has the sweetest jumper in college basketball and can fill it up. He immediately becomes your second best player. Then you hope either he or former 1st round pick Randy Foye can figure out how to play point guard. You would have to give strong consideration to Brook Lopez here because you need a center, but there is no way he is worth the 3rd pick as his ceiling is not as high.

That leaves the Timberwolves with a lineup of Foye, Mayo, Brewer, Ryan Gomes, and Al Jefferson. They should try to sign another big man with the midlevel exception and hope for the best.

4. Seattle Supersonics – You have a brand new shiny 2 guard and small forward. You need help everywhere else. Where do you go? I think you take Jerryd Bayless. There isn’t a world beater as a big man in this draft, and you’ve taken a project center 3 out of the last 4 drafts. How much did Johan Petro, Robert Swift, and Mohammed Sene pan out? I thought so. You think about Lopez, DeAndre Jordan, and Kevin Love, and then you pick Bayless. After trading away Delonte West to get Szczerbiak off your books, take Bayless and tell Luke Ridnour to alternate between eating and lifting weights 24 hours a day for the next year, and maybe he can get 10 minutes off the bench.

Potential Lineup: Bayless, Kevin Durant, Jeff Green, Chris Wilcox, One of those centers I mentioned or Nick Collison.

5. Memphis Grizzlies – You have 3 young point guards, a great shooter in Mike Miller at the 2, Rudy Gay at the 3, Hakeem Warrick at the 4, and a black hole in the middle after giving away Pau Gasol. Since I don’t think you want to start either Kwame Brown or Darko Milicic, I think you finally reach for a big guy here. I finally think this is where Brook Lopez gets off the board. The kid has offensive skills and actually kind of reminds me of Pau Gasol as far as his advanced skillset. I bring in Pau’s brother Marc Gasol in from Spain and let him compete for the starting spot at the 5. By the way, did I mention the Kwame trade gave them full cap space. Looking over at sportstoilet's own T Hirsh's free agent list I think a run at Elton Brand or Josh Smith might be tempting as well.

Lineup: Mike Conley, Miller, Gay, Warrick, Lopez/Gasol.

6. New York Knicks – Mike D’Antoni likes shooters. Donnie Walsh takes Eric Gordon. He trades away cancer ( Eddy Curry and Stephon Marbury).

Lineup: Jamal Crawford, Gordon, Quentin Richardson, David Lee, Zach Randolph.

7. Los Angeles Clippers – I would draft Russel Westbrook to play shooting guard. Rsign Elton Brand. Then I would let Corey Maggette walk in free agency and make a run at Baron Davis or Gilbert Arenas (two LA natives). This would make a very intriguing team.

Potential Lineup: Arenas/Davis, Westbrook, Al Thornton, Brand, Chris Kaman.

8. Milwakee Bucks – The Bucks are a team that looks good on paper but not in person. They get physically manhandled and seem to lack toughness. Even if he isn’t the greatest player on earth, I think Kevin Love is a perfect fit here. He provides the bumping and grinding that Andrew Bogut, Charlie Villaneuva, and the “Chairman” Yi do not like to participate in.

Potential Lineup: Mo Williams, Michael Redd, Yi, Love, Bogut.

9. Charlotte Bobcats – They need size in the worst way possible. From what I can tell Emeka Okafor is a really really nice guy. But he’s not an NBA center on a playoff team. He is a power forward. You need a center. You take the one with the most potential. DeAndre Jordan. I would couple this pick by unhiring Larry Brown. What a bad move. He doesn’t play young guys. He won’t develop rookies and he will waste your pick no matter what you do. He will probably ask you to take Hibbert. He sucks. Don’t fall for it. He’s slower than global warming. (I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Jordan isn’t the next Kwame Brown, I’m actually already considering Robin Lopez, but no, no I take Jordan. If nothing else he has the same last name as team president Michael Jordan…yeah yeah, great pick)

Lineup: Raymond Felton, Jason Richardson, Gerald Wallace, Emeka Okafor, D’Andre Jordan.

10. New Jersey Nets – I have heard a lot about this kid Gallinari from Italy, but after his countrywoman Andrea Barganini has showed such softness, and the fact that I’ve never seen him play, I take Darrel Arthur. He showed he can be a team player, hit open shots, and he played big in big games. He kind of reminds me of a Udonis Haslem type. The main need from New Jersey is to trade Jefferson or Carter and create cap space to go after Lebron/Wade in 2010. Sources at the sportstoilet have also been hearing a lot of crap about a possible trade for Carmelo Anthony. I think no matter who they draft here, they are not starting next year, as there are not too many other impact players left on the board.

Lineup: Devin Harris, Vince Carter, Richard Jefferson, Sean Williams, Nenad Krstic

At the Stadium--Tropicana Field

The Jar was fortunate enough to get free all you can eat/drink tickets for the Tampa Bay Rays - Yankees game last week (thanks Bosley). Free beer and hot dogs. The jar is happy. Plus I thought it fitting that the first segment of "At the Stadium" take place watching a team perennially in the Sports Toilet. Well, actually not this year as well documented by Shay Shay. But generally speaking...yes. The Rays are the only expansion team to have never made the playoffs (Marlins, D-Backs, Rockies being the other three) and are one of only four teams to have never played in the world series (the others: the Nats, Mariners and Rangers). But that was the past. That was the Tampa Bay DEVIL Rays. They dropped the devil, dropped the neon colors (which I actually thought were pretty cool) and also dropped their losing ways. They are now simply the Tampa Bay Rays. Instead of a manta ray, their logo is a sunburst. Owner Stuart Steinberg said that the new Ray logo represents "a beacon that radiates throughout Tampa Bay and across the entire state of Florida." How special? But tell me this, would you rather have this logo:



Or this?



I rest my case. Still the change of name has added a burst of sunlight to their play, and the Rays currently have a Top 5 record in the MLB. And wouldn't you know it, on my first trip to the Tropicana Spaceship, the Rays handily defeated the Bronx Bombers. Scott Kazmir was lights out. The Yanks couldn't touch him--only 3 hits in 6 innings. And while the Rays cruised to victory, the Jar took in the ambience of a pro ball game in Tampa (with some pictures to prove it!):

Tropicana field kind of looks like a spaceship. Or maybe a slightly tilted toilet. Fitting that my picture of the stadium has a port-a-potty in front of it.

This about sums up the typical Rays fan. The most flip flops that I've ever seen at a stadium too.

Still it was nice to have some Rays At Your Service (the acronym for ushers). The nice lady in our section kept bringing the Jar free beers.

You would think that a team named the Rays, as in ray of sunlight that brightens everyone's day and blah blah blah...wouldn't play in a dome blocking the rays from getting in. Guess not

And why is the turf discolored? They are playing in a dome!

Does this make you want some orange juice?

And of course, they had mascot race...though not with brats...this one was sponsored by Pepsi. The Pepsi bottle won naturally.

Live from Sin City

As I walked by that big electronic board I like to call the "gamblers wall" the Spurs yet again proved to show their experience in the postseason. While speaking with a fellow toilet writer this morning I began to argue why they would win the game. The experience of past championships and the presence of Big Shot Bob even if he played 5 minutes during the game was enough for me. Getting almost 2 to 1 on your money I found somebody smart enough take that bet and even convinced those in the vicinity to follow along. Once again Shay Shay came through with a golden lock. But I want to keep this short and simple on what is next to play. Take it down. First, take Chelsea to win the Champions League. The game is in Moscow, Russia. The owner of Chelsea is Roman Abrahamovich. He is Russian. According to my what my eyes see here at the Mandalay Sports book, it is +110 for Chelsea to win. Take the Blues.

Next play. Take Detroit to beat Boston in a 7 game series at Bodog or your local affiliate.. This is more of a personal statement to why the Big 3 is really the little 3. They still have not proved anything to me. If they lose one game in Boston this series could be over faster than you can say KG. So back to the poker table where the action never stops and the hookers never sleep...

CP3 Ain’t My MVP

Chris Paul did prove something this season: Namely that he is still at least a year away from being a full fledged MVP. While Paul had one of the best seasons for a point guard in the history of the NBA he is not quite ready to will his team to the championship. After Kobe delivered the dagger to Utah in game 6 on the road, and Lebron almost single handedly beat Boston’s big 3 on the road, with one of the great game 7 playoff performances of all time, CP3 failed to live up to top billing in his own building in his own game 7.

Paul finished the game with 18 points and 14 assists; however, he was nowhere to be seen in the fourth quarter with the game on the line. The Hornets went down by double figures heading into the fourth and Paul’s backup, journeyman Jannero Pargo ended up turning up the tempo and scoring on numerous big shots to bring the Hornets within 3 in the final two minutes. But that is as close as they got. In fact, Pargo was torching the Spurs so badly that they ended up putting

All-World defender Bruce Bowen on Pargo instead of Paul or sharpshooter

Peja Stojakovic. Can someone say contract year?

In the final minutes Tony Parker hit a midrange jumper and Manu Ginobili flushed the Hornets’ dreams with clutch free throw shooting down the stretch. Chris Paul definitely deserves a shot to be the starting point guard on the USA Basketball team this summer, however, he will have to wait another year for a chance at a ring. This all leaves me with one last question…..Why is Tim Duncan not in the top 5 in MVP voting every season?

NBA Star/Rapper Look Alikes

Kenyon Martin

Method Man

Gerald Green Juvenile

Baron Davis Kanye West

Rodney Stuckey 50-Cent

LeBron James needs a new Ferry Godmother.

Danny Ferry might even be a worse GM than he was a player. Danny Ferry honestly needs a clue. At the end of the 2004 NBA season the Cavaliers offered Ferry the opportunity to become the NBA's youngest general manager and build a winning team -- with the NBA's would-be king, LeBron James (who happened to be from Akron, Ohio, just outside Cleveland) , and $28 million in salary cap space. He had the opportunity to build around the best prospect since Kobe Bryant and have absolute control of the rest of the roster. Instead of capitalizing on this, he gave Lebron little to nothing to work with, and he will be extremely fortunate if Jay-Z doesn’t snag LeBron during free agency in 2010 and bring him to Brooklyn to star for his soon to be Brooklyn Nets.

Since becoming the GM of the Cavs, Ferry has signed Larry Hughes to a $12,000,000 contract, Zydrunas Illgauskas to a $10,000,000 and Drew Gooden to a $6,500,000 contract, and let promising center DeSegana Diop go to Dallas for nothing in return. He wasted draft picks Shannon Brown and Luke Jackson and then traded his two of his biggest signee’s Gooden and Hughes along with Brown in order to Acquire forwards-centers Ben Wallace and Joe Smith and a 2009 second-round pick from the Chicago Bulls and guard-forward Wally Szczerbiak and guard Delonte West from the Seattle SuperSonics in a three-team trade.

Lets look back at that trade: The centerpiece: the corpse of Ben Wallace. At this point he is a destitute man’s version of Anderson Varajeo. Wallace has nothing left, except of course 3 YEARS and $16,000,000 on his contract. I kid you not, the former 3 time defensive player of the year averaged 3 points, 7 rebounds, and 1 block in the post season this year. Wait, what did Kwame Brown average for the Lakers in the series versus Phoenix last year you ask? Yup, a slightly better 9 points, 6 rebounds, and 1 block. OUCH!! Maybe Memphis's Chris Wallace isnt the worst gm in the NBA.

The second major piece of the trade was the shell of Wally Szczerbiak. If his postseason averages of 12 points, with 2 rebounds and 2 assists aren’t bad enough, that’s cause I haven’t yet said that he shot 38% from the field and 33% from downtown. Wait, didn’t they already have Sasha Pavlovic who is younger, a better shooter, passer, and defender? You got me. I guesss Ferry liked his abs.

The last two parts of the trade, Joe Smith and Delonte West, gave the Cavs at least a little bit more bang for the buck, but unfortunately for Ferry these two are clearly not gonna get Lebron over the top. The King scored 45 points in game 7 on the road against Boston, but the rest of the team could only manage 47. I feel your pain Lebron.

And to make matters worse they also have Eric Snow on the books for 2 years at 7 million a year, and Damon Jones for another 2 years at 4 million. I know, they make a combined 10 million a season, and they managed a total of 1 point per game, COMBINED in the postseason. Once again, all you can say is OUCH.

While neither Gooden or Hughes is a star, they at least combined to score 23 points a game last playoffs and give 12 rebounds. With no major relief coming in the form of draft picks (they have this years 19th pick) or cap space, James will be forced to sit and wait as Big Ben’s fro turns grey and Szczerbiak continues to decline. Its not fair what Ferry is doing to Lebron. Lebron has single handedly gotten his team to the NBA Finals and has done the most with the least talent i have ever seen. But I will tell you this much. Teams would be smart to start clearing cap space for the 2010 offseason. Lebron might be too big and too good for the state of Ohio.

Preakness Stakes Update

Those of you SportsToilet fans who have not listened to me and have been sitting on the toilet for the last week might have missed out. According to this article Big Brown is now a 1-2 favorite. For those of you who have a math issue that means you have to put down 100 dollars to win 50. Now I know what your thinking."Shay Shay, what's the point of making this bet?" Don't think about it, i suggest you just do it. The reason why is that his main competition "Behindatthebar" was just scratched from the race. The only thing that can affect Big Brown's win at Pimlico racetrack is mother nature and the report is a bit gloomy with a 60% chance of rain. The colt has not raced in a weather affected track and his inexperience could leave the door open. I still think that Big Brown barring a stumble wins by a few lengths and puts the pressure on the final race at Belmont Race track in NYC come June for the Triple Crown. If its pouring rain tomorrow I would hedge the large Big Brown wager with a couple long shots like Kentucky Bear, and Icabad Crane(great name.) My tactic is to do this. Find one of your degenerate gambler friends and give him the field for 2-1 odds. Put the house on it and light up a cigar. You can thank me later.

On a side note UPS has inked a deal with Big Brown to become their sponsor. Check out this article on how Big Brown is turning in big profits for the owners...