A Plan for the Clippers

This is sad. Ok, to start I want to preface by saying in no way do I care about the Los Angeles Clippers, I'm an LA guy, and if you're a real LA guy, it's Purple and gold or bust. I tried to find an image for The Clippers on Google and the majority of the pictures were sailboats and haircutting utensils. I swear try it. I hate this team one through twelve. I hate the coach. I hate the owner. I love the area and I love the GM (Elgin Baylor) as a player, not as a GM. This is the most pathetic franchise in sports. They are not even able to qualify as the Lakers' NBDL team most seasons and this year was a prime example. They draft bad, they are all injury prone and they sign veterans who are past their prime, they are a lot like the Dodgers in that sense, it hurts me to say that, trust me. This is what will probably happen this off-season: They will lose Maggette and Brand, Shaun Livingston will get injured again, which I hope doesn't happen because I actually like him and they will draft some guy name Zaargaanusius Morocaragodzadian, some import from Indo-China or Armenia who won't be ready to play for 3 more years when his rookie contract is up.
Attention: Elgin Baylor, Mike Dunleavy, Donald Sterling!!! I'll give you a hint on the off-season, pay attention, it's your only chance.
First objective, keep Elton Brand, he is the only irreplaceable guy on your team. He's the only one who plays with heart on your team or a brain for that matter.
Second, lock up Caveman Kaman for a long time, he's developing into a rebounding and shot blocking machine plus he has nice touch off the glass and works well in that crap offense you run.
Third, let Maggette go and do whatever it take to bring back one of the LA born superstar free agents, Gilbert "I fill" Arenas or Baron Davis. They can both run the point at a high level, they can both distribute the ball and dish it out in bunches and they are both Southland Legends.
Fourth, draft well, this shouldn't be too tough, I see 5 studs in the first 5 picks. Don't look at the draft projection, if you fall in the top 5, you have 5 options: Derrick Rose, Michael Beasely, OJ Mayo, Jerryd Bayless, or Eric Gordon. Don't trade down, just take any of these guys. All of them are solid guys, OJ has character issues but they can be solved now that all the gifts are given over the table. Bayless would love to run with the fellow Wildcat Gilbert Arenas, and would even play the 2 and learn from one of the game's best. Gordon, is a thirsty young baller who can drain any shot, D-Up and run the point if needed. He's fast and rebounds, something most guards shy away from. Beasely and Rose speak for themselves. If the Clippers get pick one or two, they are all set. DO NOT! draft "Brenda, I mean" Brooke Lopez, he's as soft as puppy crap and and will just be another Clipper big man bust.
Fifth, trade or sign for a great shooting small forward like a Kyle Korver or Sasha Vujacic type, Brent Barry is still available too. This will solidify the starting lineup and spread the floor for Your new superstar point guard to go to work. I'd also make a run at Eduardo Najera, a solid defender off the bench and great rebounder.
Now if you listened to me this could be your lineup:
Gilbert Arenas-Derrick Rose-Al Thornton-Elton Brand-Chris Kaman...good start right?
You will have Shaun Livingston, Eduardo Najero, Tim Thomas, Cutino Mobley, Dan Dickau and Smush "Well I don't really count in Teddy's argument" Parker coming off the bench. This no longer sounds like a dead last team to me.
Lastly, get the fuck out of LA, you are not wanted here. You are the shitty younger brother that can never win. Guess what? I heard Anaheim is a great sports town and no one plays basketball there yet...Or San Diego, I heard they have room to build and it was your first California home....Maybe Mexico city, it's just like LA without the beaches.
I know you will not read this,so I know you have no chance in 09, but if you do do something along these lines, you may improve drastically.
In closing, I would like to quote Ving Rhames in Pulp Fiction, in reference to the Clippers current standing in the Staples Center,"Your LA privileges are over."

Hold the Mayo

That 4 letter network reported today that the generally always up to no good former USC guard and future NBA lottery pick/millionaire O.J. Mayo (real name: Ovinton J'Anthony Mayo--I'm not making this up) was accepting cashmoney and free bottles at Teddy's while a student at the University of South Central. A big NCAA no no. This could potentially mean that USC would have to forfeit all games where OJ.participated. Doubtful that will happen. More likely are some additional restrictions on recruiting that they will no doubt violate. My question: wasn't this one obvious? At the time, USC had just spent millions of dollars in constructing the GAYlen Center (which I have to admit is actually pretty nice). To build a competitive/interesting to watch so that we can sell tickets and fill the arena team, they needed a blue chip recruit. Enter Mayo. A kid who has been hyped in the national media since 7th grade. From West Virginia/Ohio, willing to go to the highest bidder. USC (a school known for buying players) fit the bill. You would think that the boys from Troy would have learned their lesson on investing in degenerates named OJ. Guess not. This whole situation has the movie Blue Chips written all over it. Tim Floyd is Pete Bell. Seriously. (Speaking of Tim Floyd, my friend Loaf often refers to him as a used mattress salesman. I'd say that's pretty accurate). Of course, nothing will happen to Mustard...I mean Mayo. Just like in Blue Chips, where Neon and Butch (played by Shaq and Penny Hardaway respectively) went directly to the pros unscathed by the recruiting violations. As for the future of BBQ Sauce, I predict that he will go lottery in the draft and have an adequate statistical career (potentially a good short term pick-up in fantasy leagues) for a myriad of crappy teams . Think hybrid of Ricky Davis/Jamaal Tinsley. And, of course, he will rack up a slew of legal infractions ranging from substance abuse (DUI, possession of illegal substance, etc.), to assault to possession of an illegal firearm. Mark it down. You heard it here first on the Sports Toilet. By the way, why doesn't Vegas have odds on athletes and the likelihood of them getting arrested? I take the under on Horseradish getting arrested within a year.