WE ARE UTAH

SportsToilet fans, take a minute and let these pictures sink in. Who thought a Utah Jazz after party would get so crazy? Let's break down Andrei "AK 47" Kirilenko's situation. The word on the street that is known as unofficial/official to the public, states that AK has a deal with his beloved wife that he gets one freebie a year. And im not talking about the free toys you get in cereal boxes. The Ivan Drago look-alike gets to enjoy the company of one new young lady every year. Was this signed at the marriage? Is this part of his contract deal with the Jazz? How much of a cut did his agent make on this? These are all good questions that need to be answered, but AK and his wife are the only two who know the details. All we can do here is take it for whats its worth because AK definately got it right and made a great deal with the wifey. Hopefully he was prepared for that devil in the picture and made sure to use his "get out of jail free" card later in the evening.




Hot off the press and breaking News on AK 47. Apparently Andrei missed practiced today with VISA problems. Check out this NBC newspaper article talking about the Russian spy being caught. Will this impact game 6? More to follow on the story...

Vegas baby Vegas

It is not anything new to us here at the SportsToilet that we know Charles Barkley is a degenerate gambler. The guy just loves action. When he is sitting with Ernie J and Kenny "the jet" on the set of Inside the NBA the noise that you sometimes here in the background is Chuck cheering whoever he has a bet on( Chuck says the only thing he doesn't bet on is NBA, so I will leave it to your discretion to make the call.) But something I always notice about Charles, having placed a few sports wagers in my day, is how he always talks in a gamblers way of mentality. The important shot of the game or the call that Charles talks about usually ends up affecting the point spread and all the nervous bettors. I think that is why many of us including myself love the blunt terms Charles uses and how he just gets to the point.

In news today, the 4 letter network reported that Charles Barkley owes the glamourous Wynn Hotel a cool 400K. Barkley even said this quote to show people he gambles and doesn't care what people think. "Do I have a gambling problem? Yeah, I do have a gambling problem," Barkley said. "But I don't consider it a problem because I can afford to gamble." Spoken like a true action junkie. Let's hope Charles gets hot and wins it back, becuase that is how gamblers think. Now if Charles disappears from the set of Inside the NBA we might know why.

Watching the Lakers in Tampa

It's always interesting trying to watch professional sports in a city that does not have a professional team in that sport. Nobody seems to care but you. Anybody who has ever tried watching baseball in Canada knows what I'm talking aboot. Eh?

Last night, The Jar was in Tampa trying to watch the NBA playoffs--most importantly, the Lakers -Jazz game 5--at a local watering hole. Only one problem: I am the only one in this city who seems to care about the NBA. The first spot I went to had all TV's focused on the Rays-Yankees game even though Boston-Cleveland was in the 4th quarter. I know the Rays are the team of the week and this is Tampa...but a bar with every single TV tuned into a midseason baseball game instead of Game 5 on the NBA playoffs...please. Needless to say, The Jar did not get to see Lebron cry after the game.

The Jar can handle missing the shitfest that has become the Boston-Cleveland series, but there is no way that I would miss Game 5 of the Lakers-Jazz. So we went to some shady bar called "The Sports Bar" (I wish I was kidding) to catch the first half of the game. Lots of wife beaters. Lots of crew cuts/backwards hats. And everybody smoking cigs. I even saw a couple of Hooter's girls grabbing a drink after work (for those of you who don't know, Hooters was founded in Clearwater--a suburb of Tampa). But let's just say that these girls weren't up to the standard that one would expect from a typical Hooter's girl...especially from the city were the restaurant chain was founded! At least they were a friends with a girl from Wing House (a local Hooter's knockers...I mean knock off) who definitely had much more appealing assets.

The place still had arcades, darts and there was even a karaoke machine with some degenerates signing songs like "Sweet Home Alabama." There were about 20 TV's in there...most of them on the Speed channel or showing highlights of the Rays (these are the types of places that make NASCAR the juggernaut that it has become). Luckily, they showed the Lakers game on one of the TV's. Nobody was watching except for my associate and I. Real pumped. Great game and great victory for the Lakers. Too bad nobody else in there seemed to care. Orlando is only 80 miles away from Tampa. I wonder if the people here seemed indifferent about the NBA because they are Orlando Magic fans and are bitter that they already got taken out of the Playoffs by the Pistons Or maybe they just don't like all that loud hip hop in the NBA. I'm not sure...

On another note, the Jar will be attending the Tampa Rays-NY Yankees game tonight. Look out for a post on that later...

Barry "Bail" Bonds

According to Yahoo!, Barry Lamar Bonds, faces two and a half years on charges stemming from apparent lies told to the court by Bonds when he faced steroid allegations. This guy for sure did steroids. He is the biggest dog and that's why he is getting the brunt of this whole thing. Everyone did steroids then, had the players not did steroids, baseball's ratings would've plummeted even more due to lack of interest. The roid heads came to the rescue hitting bomb after bomb, bringing interest back to the sport, therefore selling more advertisement to big name sponsors and baseball flourished. The league is to blame, not the players. They wanted money and they new what was going on. It was up to the commish and his posse to correct the problem at first glance instead of turning their collective heads when the problem could have been solved right away. Sorry Barry, you got the record you wanted, but now you're gonna have a record you don't want, a criminal record.

Full story

Back to School

Here at the SportsToilet you have heard us talk good and bad about Court Jester James( thanks THirsh.) But I wanted to bring up a story that broke earlier today from the Bohemian king and former laker Michael Thompson on the radio. A few nights back Lebron went out with his crew to a nice restaurant in Cleveland(if they even exist there). Court Jester and his crew wined and dinned throughout the evening keeping the waiter and staff there until 4am that morning. The bill came out to 800 bucks and Lebron, being the gentleman we all think he is, LeBronn decided to pick up the bill. What he did was embarrass himself and humiliated the waiter. LeBron signed the bill and gave the guy a 10 dollar tip! I mean all the witnesses and LeBron himself noticed the bill and purposely gave the waiter 10 dollars. The poor waiter was up all night and one of the richest mo fo's alive treats him like a peasant. When Lebron was asked about this, he said he read the bill wrong. Maybe he should have went to school for a year or maybe he should learn how to read.

Let's compare this to a great Laker dinner that was held a local Melrose hotspot last week. First off Kobe Bryant was with all his teammates. Take note, Lebron. They wined and dined for a bill of about 2,000 bucks. When the bill came the team began to chant MVP, MVP, MVP and within seconds Kobe flips his Black Card to the waitress to gladly pay for the meal. Kobe then tipped the young lady that was providing the meal for the evening a nice amount and provided her a lasting memory of the warrior we know as Kobe Bryant. Mr.James, meet Mr.Bryant and learn what it takes to have class on every level of life.

Jordan, "The Shoe"

I found this documentary on Webcastr. This gives great insight on Nike's emergence into the basketball market and how the Jordan shoes snowballed into the phenomenon it is today. MJ'S, J's, Jordans, Air Mike's, 23's, Air Steps, whatever you call them, this is the skinny on the fattest shoe of all time.
This is a must watch if you have ten minutes..."You don't wear "Air Jordans" in the winter."

I think Mars Blackmon was right. It's gotta be the shoes.
Check the video out HERE

Wake up, Mr. West, Mr. West

Ladies and gentleman, the sportstoilet would like to introduce Mr. Fundamental 2.0. Tonight Tim Duncan literally got the nickname taken from him. Its like the 1995 Playoffs when David Robinson won the MVP award, and Hakeem Olajuwon proceeded to dominate him and be hailed as MVP after the playoffs. David West used a variety of smooth jumpshots, head fakes and pump fakes inside, as well as crafty spin moves and use of the rim to get his shot off against taller opponents inside.

Mr West actually reminded me of Tim Duncan 3 or 4 years ago when if you backed off a step he’d bank if off the glass and if you doubled inside he’d either find an open teammate or lay in anyway. David West’s line tonight, try 38 points on 16-25 shooting, with 14 rebounds, 5 assists, 5 blocks, and 2 steals for good measure. He even went 6-7 from the line, and spent stretches of the game guarding Timmy in single coverage and doing a nice job. Everyone lately has been calling CP3 the next coming at the point, but his pick and rolls and pick and pops would not be nearly as deadly without West coming off the screen and without Peja at the 3 point line and Chandler ready for the lob. In fact in the half court set, West’s ability to create his own shots and shots for others has truly been what has taken ‘Nawlins to the next level. Just to give you an idea, take a look at David West's career stats and see how much he has improved every year.

What makes West, Mr. Fundamental 2.0 is that he is also an emotional leader and catalyst for his ball club. In the first round, instead of getting intimidated by the more experienced Dallas Mavericks, he love tapped Dirk Nowitzki in the face and got in the German's head, before outplaying him and then eliminating them from the playoffs. I think one could argue that he deserves either Jamison's or Bosh's spot on the Olympic team this summer.

As for the series I think San Antonio will be able to hold serve at home in a very close one, and New Orleans finally gives them the old flush in game seven.

Introducing Florida Baseball

Florida low payroll baseball is the way to go these days. Lets start with the Tampa Bay Rays. Yes folks, get it right, it is no longer the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. They have shed a new coat and losing is not a part of their new look. As you notice the highly competitive AL East standings after tonight's action you don't see a familiar sight. Its not the Yankees or the Red Sox in first. It is not the surging Blue Jays with maybe the best pitching staff in baseball thats #1. Your first place team is none other than your Rays. Let's talk about why this team has restored order to those who attend their games at Tropicana Field. And yes this OJ is fresh. This Rays team has depth at every position. The outfield consists of a consistent Carl Crawford, an up and coming BJ Upton and a veteran in Eric Hinske in right. Even their backups are legit. They have Cliff Floyd to come in and turn on pitches and send them over the right field wall. Then we have Johnny Gomes and Rocco Baldelli riding the pine ready to contribute. Their infield is really turning into something special as well. Along with one of my potential Rookie of the Year candidates Evan Longoria-Parker making a move, the infield is holding strong. The real difference as usual in baseball is pitching. More importantly a ferocious player and Fontana, CA local you know as Troy Percival. As a member of the Orange County Angels he brought fear to hitters when they approached the plate. Percival has inspired these young Ray's pitchers to become major leaguers. We at the sportstoilet know some growing pains will come down the road in the season but for once its nice to see those Tampa kids atop those standings...More to come from JAR live at the game tomorrow.





Over in what we know as the National League/Pitchers bat division the Florida Marlins are quietly standing atop the NL East. Lets start by saying the Fish made one of the best moves in baseball over the last 6 months by re-signing Hanley Ramirez for a 7 year deal at 70 million. Mark it down SportsToilet readers, this move was brilliant.The Florida Marlins always seem to bring in the right veterans to play with their always abundant group of youngsters. Chemistry is everything in sports and the Marlins seem to always have the right medication. Dan Uggla for instance. This guy was part of the Rule 5 draft and taken by the Arizona Diamondbacks in round 400. The Marlins loved the kid so they offered Arizona 50 grand for his rights and signed him. Good move to say the least.With young pitchers like Anibal Snachez, Sergio Mitre, Scott Olsen and two sport athlete Mark Hendrickson, this team will be in the race come October. We also seem to forget how the Fish traded their superstars Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis just this past December. I think the Marlins won that trade with these youngsters that they acquired building a foundation for Marlin baseball for years to come. Look for Cameron Maybin to be called up in the near future and really make an impact when they call his number. Also look for the Fish to add a veteran power hitter come trade deadline to make a push for the pennant or the wildcard.

A Plan for the Clippers

This is sad. Ok, to start I want to preface by saying in no way do I care about the Los Angeles Clippers, I'm an LA guy, and if you're a real LA guy, it's Purple and gold or bust. I tried to find an image for The Clippers on Google and the majority of the pictures were sailboats and haircutting utensils. I swear try it. I hate this team one through twelve. I hate the coach. I hate the owner. I love the area and I love the GM (Elgin Baylor) as a player, not as a GM. This is the most pathetic franchise in sports. They are not even able to qualify as the Lakers' NBDL team most seasons and this year was a prime example. They draft bad, they are all injury prone and they sign veterans who are past their prime, they are a lot like the Dodgers in that sense, it hurts me to say that, trust me. This is what will probably happen this off-season: They will lose Maggette and Brand, Shaun Livingston will get injured again, which I hope doesn't happen because I actually like him and they will draft some guy name Zaargaanusius Morocaragodzadian, some import from Indo-China or Armenia who won't be ready to play for 3 more years when his rookie contract is up.
Attention: Elgin Baylor, Mike Dunleavy, Donald Sterling!!! I'll give you a hint on the off-season, pay attention, it's your only chance.
First objective, keep Elton Brand, he is the only irreplaceable guy on your team. He's the only one who plays with heart on your team or a brain for that matter.
Second, lock up Caveman Kaman for a long time, he's developing into a rebounding and shot blocking machine plus he has nice touch off the glass and works well in that crap offense you run.
Third, let Maggette go and do whatever it take to bring back one of the LA born superstar free agents, Gilbert "I fill" Arenas or Baron Davis. They can both run the point at a high level, they can both distribute the ball and dish it out in bunches and they are both Southland Legends.
Fourth, draft well, this shouldn't be too tough, I see 5 studs in the first 5 picks. Don't look at the draft projection, if you fall in the top 5, you have 5 options: Derrick Rose, Michael Beasely, OJ Mayo, Jerryd Bayless, or Eric Gordon. Don't trade down, just take any of these guys. All of them are solid guys, OJ has character issues but they can be solved now that all the gifts are given over the table. Bayless would love to run with the fellow Wildcat Gilbert Arenas, and would even play the 2 and learn from one of the game's best. Gordon, is a thirsty young baller who can drain any shot, D-Up and run the point if needed. He's fast and rebounds, something most guards shy away from. Beasely and Rose speak for themselves. If the Clippers get pick one or two, they are all set. DO NOT! draft "Brenda, I mean" Brooke Lopez, he's as soft as puppy crap and and will just be another Clipper big man bust.
Fifth, trade or sign for a great shooting small forward like a Kyle Korver or Sasha Vujacic type, Brent Barry is still available too. This will solidify the starting lineup and spread the floor for Your new superstar point guard to go to work. I'd also make a run at Eduardo Najera, a solid defender off the bench and great rebounder.
Now if you listened to me this could be your lineup:
Gilbert Arenas-Derrick Rose-Al Thornton-Elton Brand-Chris Kaman...good start right?
You will have Shaun Livingston, Eduardo Najero, Tim Thomas, Cutino Mobley, Dan Dickau and Smush "Well I don't really count in Teddy's argument" Parker coming off the bench. This no longer sounds like a dead last team to me.
Lastly, get the fuck out of LA, you are not wanted here. You are the shitty younger brother that can never win. Guess what? I heard Anaheim is a great sports town and no one plays basketball there yet...Or San Diego, I heard they have room to build and it was your first California home....Maybe Mexico city, it's just like LA without the beaches.
I know you will not read this,so I know you have no chance in 09, but if you do do something along these lines, you may improve drastically.
In closing, I would like to quote Ving Rhames in Pulp Fiction, in reference to the Clippers current standing in the Staples Center,"Your LA privileges are over."

Expect Great?

I can't believe I'm putting something up about the WNBA, but I just couldn't resist. For those of you watching the Playoffs, you probably have seen the new commercial and slogan for the WNBA. If not, here it is:




Here's how The Jar sees the dialogue:

"I'm sorry you couldn't pay me to watch women's bball." Yes.

"Nothing exciting ever happens." Yes.

"What kind of future does the WNBA have? None that I can see." Yes.

This women has just said everything that the Sports Toilet has been saying since day 1. I really couldn't have said it any better myself. The commercial goes on to tell viewers that they can Expect Great; the new slogan that the league of women that you would not want to see naked is running with this season. Piggybacking on the NBA's Where Amazing Happens which is signifcantly better and more appealing. Of course the WNBA is infinitely less appealing in principal. Still I think that slogan pinpoints the problem with women's basketball. That's the peak...great. Writers of the Sports Toilet go to the blacktop every week and expect great. We watch sports to witness spectaculor plays by atheletes who can do things that we will never do. Most atheletes can do the same things as a WNBA player. Anybody who has had to suffer through highlights of the WNBA would know that, and would know that the play isn't even that great.